A Watcher's Diary- Life Altering Decisions
by Godeater
Summary: Giles and Xander share a moment. 3rd Season after Lovers Walk.


Title: A Watcher's Diary: Life Altering Decisions  
  
Author: Godeater.  
  
E-mail: godeater@sprint.ca  
  
Summary: Giles talks to Xander about what's bothering him.  
  
Rating: AA- For gayness.  
  
Feedback: You bet'cha! Send it with no regrets!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I barely own the computer I wrote it on.  
  
Notes: Plan to make it a series starring Giles. All the stories take place after Lover's Walk. Expect more wacky adventures with everyone's favorite librarian and Watcher.  
  
  
  
  
  
Friday, December 18, 1998  
  
Well it has finally happened. I've known it was only a matter of time, but it still came as a slight shock when it did. One can never be totally prepared for something like this, even when all the signs are in front you. With the turmoil that has gripped the relationships of the youths under my charge, I should have seen what happened tonight coming.  
  
We had all been working in the Library tonight, Buffy, Willow, Xander and I. I noticed the tension in the room immediately between Willow and Xander, and commented on it privately to Buffy. She tells me of what's been going on between the two of them for the past few weeks and how they were caught by Cordelia and Oz earlier this week. Everything started to fall into place after this. Why no one was mentioning Cordelia's injury and why Oz had been scarce the past few days.  
  
I wasn't surprised by the news that Willow and Xander had had an affair. Willow's reasons were obvious to even me. Her attraction to her best friend has been evident to everyone except Xander. The fact that Xander had finally opened his eyes to that came as no surprise either. Willow had become remarkably more self-confident since she had started dating Oz, and with it came a sensuality that Willow had managed to hide from almost everyone. Not me, I saw it the first time I talked to the girl, but I don't have the title of Watcher for nothing. She always had it within her to attract Xander, or anyone from either sex if she had so desired. Why she hadn't brought it to the surface before now is a small mystery I hope to solve one day, if the opportunity ever presents itself. But this entry isn't about Willow's hidden sexual charisma, it's about what happened tonight.  
  
We had been having, what Willow liked to call, a 'research party', though the atmosphere was less then festive. Buffy had wanted to know about vampire she had almost fought in the sewers the night of my.regression into my youth. She had mentioned she had seen him when Faith and she had fought and defeated Kakistos. Faith had confirmed her account and mentioned that she had seen the vampire in question associating with Kakistos before her own Watcher had been killed. Since Kakistos was dead and this vampire was still in Sunnydale causing mischief, Buffy decided that she wanted all the information or, as she put it, the '411' on him. It was tough going, since we only had a vague physical description of him. It was almost midnight when I told them they should go home. I offered to drive them after I had tieded up the library a bit, but Buffy mentioned wanting to meet up with Faith, who had been patrolling tonight, and keep her company during her last sweep of the streets. Since the incident with Angel was still hanging between them, I saw no problem.  
  
Since Buffy would be walking by her house anyway, Willow decided to go with Buffy. I saw a slight look of disappointment in Xander's eyes when he heard this. My guess is that he had wished to speak to Willow alone about their mutual problems. Seeing an opportunity to help, I asked Xander if he could stay behind to help me put some books away. He looked at me strangely for a moment, then gave me a "Sure G-man!" with a smile. Though I loathed his little nickname for me, I chose not to make an issue about it.  
  
As Willow got her coat and Xander started returning books to the cage, Buffy took me aside. We entered my office and Buffy closed the door behind us. "Talk to him," she told me simply. I raised an eyebrow at her and asked her what she would like me to talk to Xander about, though I already knew of course. "Talk to him about what's going on between him and Willow. And Cordy!" Though I had already decided to do that very thing, I played along with the blissfully unaware Watcher idea she had about me.  
  
"Buffy," I told her. "I really don't think this is any of my business."  
  
"Oh come on Giles!" my Slayer said, her eyes hardening with annoyance. "You saw them out there! It's like they were complete strangers. 'Could you please pass me that book Willow?' 'There you go Xander.' "she said in a parody of both their voices. "It's driving me nuts! Willow's willing to talk to me about it, but Xander doesn't have anyone. He won't talk to me 'cause he thinks I'll get all judgmental on him. He obviously can't talk to Willow or Cordelia about it. So that leave you!"  
  
"What makes you think Xander would open up to me?" I asked her, taking off my glasses and rubbing my eyes with false fatigue. "He's closer to you then he is to me. If he's unwilling to speak to you about what's troubling him, I doubt he would be willing to discuss it with me"  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes at me. "Because you're a guy!" she said in a tone that implied that the answer was obvious to anyone. "True you're an old-ish guy, but you're still a guy. Maybe he'll be more open to talking about it with someone from his own gender." Seeing my look of disbelief, she changed her tactics from aggressive to pleading. "Please Giles? I'm grasping at straws here! We have to do something before things get even more wacky then they already are!" To add force to her begging, she put on that little girl pout I love so much.  
  
"Very well," I sighed as I put my glasses back on. "I will broach the subject with Xander. But I want it understood that I do it under duress."  
  
"I don't care what dress you do it under, as long as you do it!" Before I could say anything in response, she gave me a light kiss on the cheek and bounced out of my office. "Thanks Giles!" she said as she grabbed Willow and left the Library, leaving Xander and I alone.  
  
"What was that about?" the dark-haired boy asked as he came out of book-cage. He had a slightly worried look in his eyes, behind which lurked something that looked like pain.  
  
"That?" I replied as I walked to the table and picked up a pile of books, " Nothing. Buffy just wanted some advice about something."  
  
"Probably about Angel," he muttered somewhat angrily as he took another stack of books off the table and turned toward the cage again. We worked at putting the books away for almost half an hour. Neither of us spoke much during that time. I had decided to speak to Xander about his situation right before we left.  
  
As I put the last of the books into the security cage, I heard Xander putting his coat on behind me. I locked the cage and turned to face the young man who stood nervously only a few feet away from me. "Before I take you home Xander, I uh, wish to speak to you about something."  
  
Xander stared at me suspiciously. "Yeah? About what?"  
  
Knowing this was not going to be easy, I asked him to have a seat. "Well I'm sure you already know what I'm going to ask you," I told him once we had both taken a seat. " Yet I will say it none the less. Are you alright?"  
  
:"Is this what you and Buffy were talking about before?" He rose from his chair and gave me an angry look. "To make sure poor little Xander is ok?"  
  
"Well yes, Buffy did ask me to speak with you. However, I was going to do it anywise. I've been worried about you Xander." I told him gently.  
  
"Worried about me?" he practically shouted in my face. "Why aren't you worried about Cordelia? She's the one in the hospital! Or our dear Willow? She's the one who's lost her sweet Oz! What about Buffy? She must be all torn up inside because her darling Angel is back and she can't touch him! So tell me why oh wise Watcher, are you worried about me?" Xander's face was flushed with anger, his breathing heavy after his little tirade.  
  
"I'm worried about you, Xander for one simple reason," I said as I got up from my seat and walked over to him. "I like you Xander. I like you because of your willingness to put yourself in danger for those you care about. I like you because, even though you fall, you still manage to get back up. You have a lust for life that is rare nowadays. You care for so many people, even though they hurt you. You are a kind, sweet boy, who has fallen into a world that few know exist, and few less would stay in if they could get out. Yet you stay, putting your life at risk because you know it is the right thing to do." As I said these words to him, Xander calmed down and looked at me with tears in his eyes. "You know what happened with Willow was a mistake. You should have told Cordelia about your feelings. Yes you hurt her, but you are not responsible for her injury any more then I am. It was an accident."  
  
"I-I care for her so much." he said and began to sob. I took him in my arms and put his head on my shoulder. Letting him just cry his pain on to me. After a few minutes his sobs subsided, but he kept his head against me. "Do you.do you think that she'll ever forgive me?" he all but whispered into my ear.  
  
I took a step back from him and looked into his face. He looked at me with red eyes and wet cheeks. " I can't say Xander." I told him tenderly. "Perhaps she will. Perhaps she will not. Either way, life will continue for you. You must be strong."  
  
Blinking away the last of his tears, he looked me straight in the eyes and I saw storybook of pain in him. "I don't know if I can," he said, voice trembling with a multitude of emotions.  
  
As I gazed at him, I could help what I did next. I reached up and brushed a stray tear from his face, letting my finger linger on his cheek and caress his strong jaw-line. I felt his body tense at my touch and then relax. He leaned in closer toward me and touched my arm, sending what seemed an electrical current into me. Pulling him in until there was no more then a hair's breath in between us, I brought my head down and kissed him gently on the lips. Xander tensed again, but did not draw away from my kiss. Instead, he brought his arms around me and crushed me against him. I felt his erection against my thigh, it's heat seeping though my pant leg and causing my own passion to rise.  
  
I pulled away first, unaccustomed to the feelings I had long buried rising to the surface. Xander looked at me, hurt in his eyes for pulling away from him. "I'm sorry," he muttered and started to back away from me.  
  
I couldn't bare the thought of hurting this boy. "Don't be sorry," I told him as I caught his arm and pulled him closer to me. "It's just that I haven't done this type of thing in a very long time."  
  
Xander smiled at me. "It's kind of a first for me too," he said as he stepped back closer to me. "Doesn't mean we have to stop, does it?"  
  
As I looked down at his eager face, I wanted nothing more then to kiss him again. Nevertheless, I stopped myself, considering the repercussions. If we continued, things would definitely change between us. Mostly though I thought about what would happen to Xander. He was still a boy. If we stopped he could chalk it up to the moment and forget about it. This was a potentially life altering decision for him, and while I was attracted to him, I had to give more thought about whether I would want to be responsible for it. "Xander I think perhaps we should stop," I said finally.  
  
"Why?" he asked somewhat annoyed.  
  
"Because if we continue, you will have to make a very important decision about yourself." My tone was stern. "I would rather not be responsible for changing your life. That is a decision only you can make."  
  
Xander stared at me for a moment. This time I did not see hurt or pain behind those eyes. I saw anger. Anger at being rejected yet again. At letting his guard down and then being slapped in the face. "Fine!" he shouted at me and then turned and ran out of the Library. I ran after him but he was too fast for me. After looking around the school for awhile, I gave up and went to my car. I searched the streets for him as I drove home, but failed to find him.  
  
As I sit here and read over what I have written about the event that happened tonight, I can't help feel that I threw away something that I may not have another opportunity to possess again. And while it saddens me, I know I did the right thing. I hope Xander thinks about what happened between us tonight. If he comes to the decision to forget it ever happened, I will respect it and never mention it again. If however he decides.differently, then it will be my turn to come to a decision. I am not sure which choice I hope Xander chooses.  
  
Time will tell. 


End file.
